Social distancing for cohabiting partners: a user’s guide to good health and a happy home in the time of contagion

Someone recently asked how my partner and I are managing to practice social distancing while living together under the same little roof.

I’m so glad I was asked! I’m sure there are MANY readers also have these questions so I will answer them as best I can.

“Do you sleep on opposite ends of the house?

Does one of you sleep in the garage while the other sleeps upstairs?

What do you do if you dont have a garage?

Do you facetime meals from around the house?

Have you ever prepared for this with cybersex ? If so, are you willing to run a seminar online explaining the best cybersex positions?”

  1. Partners should maintain a safe distance of at least 6 feet. 10 feet is preferred, but for centuries men have been telling their partners that 6 feet is 10 feet, when actually it is closer to 5 feet, causing more than a few “animated conversations” and name calling (see “liar liar pants on fire” research paper published by Ura G’Damnliar in the American journal of Medicine’s Valentine’s day edition) so experts have settled on “10 feet” as the accepted distance for “safe and healthy partnering” assuming most will actually be closer to 6 feet at best.

2. Partners can safely sleep in the same bed as long as they observe the following precautions:

*sleep facing away from each other, and wear neoprene dive suits. The mask need only be worn if one of you is experiencing gas, and only by the person not experiencing gas so that you dont have to experience your partner’s gas.

Again, the mask only works when used properly and appropriately. Actual masks are the only accepted barrier. Please do not place a bag over your partner’s head no matter how tempting it may become.

We do not have a garage, and all available rooms have college kids squatting in them and eating all our cereal so we suit up and face away responsibly.

Remember: NO TOUCHY!

  1. Meals are shared via Zoom conferencing. Diners have the option to dial in from any one of the three vehicles parked in the driveway, the goats enclosure, the main children coop, the fort on the swing set, the shed, and the covered porch.

An actual seat in the kitchen is reserved for whoever cooked the meal, also referred to as “the chairman of the feast”. Surprisingly, and as strange as this sounds, the honor or cooking the meal and getting the chairman’s seat is never sought after by the other squatters. Odd.

  1. Sex. It’s the question you’ve all been waiting for me to answer so I’ll just get right to it.

Sex is a healthy and wonderful way to stay connected. To yourself. This virus is crazy catch so it’s time to take Trudie and Sting’s tantric example and practice mind f**king.

Sit across from your partner (10 feet/6feet apart) and maintain constant eye contact while repeating everything your partner says in a high whiny voice back to them. (Please refer to the April fools day publication of “I know you are but what am I??” By Styxx N’Stones)

This will definitely get a “rise” out of your partner and you will certainly feel elated and flushed from laughing when the vein on their temple throbs in time to the electronic dance music you insisted on to “set the mood”.

I will not be conducting an online course in Cybersex. Cybersex is really more of a deeply personal choice. What you choose to do with your computer is up to you, so long as its consensual, you establish a safe word with Siri/Alexa/Google (and honor it!), your computer feels respected, AND you make sure to wipe your keyboard down THOROUGHLY with alcohol.

You may want to throw a few back yourself since you’re clearly having more of a relationship with your computer than Charles Babbage, (the English mechanical engineer and polymath, who originated the concept of a programmable computer and is considered the “father of the computer”) EVER intended you to have…See? We’re LEARNING here. This is actually educational.

As for recommended positions during sex.. the politically correct positions tend to be favored by the twenty/thirtysomething crowd, and many partners never get around to actual sex because they’re too busy saying things like “after you”, “no, after YOU”, “No, no, after YOU!”. Often one or both will fall asleep, ending the exchange.

Older, less politically correct folks tend to be drawn to the Medicade for all position because a lot of us have parts of us that leak and need attention. This also makes for a compelling case of “NO TOUCHY”.

As a general rule of thumb, if it leaks, leave it alone and call someone to take a look at it.

Contagion is bad enough people, let’s not add faulty plumbing and floods to this. Its biblical enough out there these day. Contact your plumber or your doctor or both if needed, and PLEASE people, stay 6-10 feet the hell away from me until this is all over!

I certainly hope this helps. I love you all now dont sneeze on me.

***Stay home*Wash your hands*Repeat***


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Blogger, life enthusiast, queen of chaos. Author and star of #closertocrazy, and Hairbeast Productions. I live in north central Massachusetts on a tiny misshapen, entirely accidental farm. Life is always an adventure! Available for freelance writing and social media Brand Building consultation Contact me at to discuss projects and fees

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