Today I moved my body through the hours on the power of my will and my stubbornness alone. I shoved discomfort to the back of my brain and I dragged my feet into each new place. I smiled and smiled and bent my thoughts outward towards the people around me, and searched for any way to help, to ease, to temper, to lift, to listen, to lighten, to hold space because those very actions are the only ones that seem to distract me far from my mutinous body.
It’s time again, I know, to come in from the Cold War I’ve waged with my doctors, and to make time for the long overdue injections into the base of my spine again.
For the past four to five years they have been the only remedy to ease the inflammation that refuses to stay away very long, and plays havoc with my legs and feet. I’m not one to like down time that isn’t on a beach. Time that for me is suspended in my bed battling nausea and pain while my system reboots and my coordination returns.
I lost so much of the Fall and Winter to pain and immobility that I am loathe to give up even one day more to this foolish body and it’s foolishness. I want to swim and walk and breathe by the sea every moment I can while the weather obliges. I want it take care of my babies on my unit and pace the halls keeping watch over them while they rest.
I want to move through the hours like I’m gliding. I want to come home each day and have enough energy to walk with my dogs, run until my heart starts to fly, wander around my yard with my husband and note every new thing in our gardens.
I do not want to lay still. I want to move through the hours on my own terms. I do not want my body to dictate to my spirit the when’s and how’s it may soar. But I have to make time for healing to happen. It’s a lesson I have to learn again every time. To be still when I do not want to be still. To let the world spin while I sleep. To start over when I am able to move, slowly and steadily until I am able to spin freely along with the rest of the world. But just you wait and watch how I will spin…
Blogger, life enthusiast, queen of chaos. Author and star of #closertocrazy, and Hairbeast Productions. I live in north central Massachusetts on a tiny misshapen, entirely accidental farm. Life is always an adventure!
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