I have to be the most improbably existing person on this planet. I can’t go anywhere without getting lost, can’t walk in and out of stores in the mall without going back in the direction I was coming from, can’t open water bottles without spraying the interior of a vehicle, and can’t sip tea without simultaneously pouring some into my bra.
I am the bumblebee of humankind. When you look at a bumblebee and it’s wings you marvel at the improbability of success. You think to yourself “There is simply no way, NO WAY those wings can work with that body.” And yet there are bumblebees. They manage to exist, to more than exist, they manage to FLY.
And then there is me. My family and friends look at me and think “There is no way, NO WAY that brain can possible work in that head. No way. It’s sad but it’s science. There is just NO WAY that brain and that woman WORK.”
As much as it confounds everyone (even me!) I manage to find my way home each day. This gap in skill sets, this massive flaw in my design doesn’t seem to stop me from diving in, and I try (but never seem to succeed) improving upon these things.
Today I fumbled my way between appointments and buildings and finally made my way to my car to come home. I punched the key code in but nothing worked. I tried again and again with not even a clicking sound accompanying my finger punches on the buttons. I hip checked the door and tried again in case the door was ajar but no luck.
I stared tired and anxious and frustrated at the locked car, and then video-called my husband for help. I explained the problem while waving the phone for him to view the parts of the car I had already assaulted, while he calmly tried talking me through different tricks. Nothing.
Finally my husband told me to call roadside service and wait for them to come and let me in. As he explained the possible problems with my car and the solutions each might require, my gaze came to rest on an object on my passenger seat.
Strange. There was an oxygen tank on my passenger seat. Why was there an oxygen tank on my passenger seat? Who put it there? How did they get into my locked car? What the hell kind of crazy person would break into a car and leave an OXYGEN TANK behind?! I could be dealing with a madman or a kidnapper desperate to kidnap me for all I knew!
My husband talked on as I stared in deep confusion at the oxygen tank in my car. I glanced nervously over my shoulder as my husband continued to speak, looking to see if I was being watched, and that’s when I realized why my key code wasn’t working. This was not my car. My car was three cars over. Not another car between. I wasn’t locked out of my car, I was BREAKING INTO someone ELSE’S car. I was the madman!
I won’t speak for life on other planets, who knows maybe there is an even more (or at least equally) foolish creature wandering around confused and stumbling like me out there in space with their creature friends watching them fall into open manholes, face-plant into glass doors, try valiantly and vainly to push things that are supposed to be pulled wondering if they will survive until dinner. All I know is that today marks another day I managed to defy the odds and make it home to my own house and that’s science, baby.