Plump, middle aged and messy mamma is the hottest thing to be this year

This will give you a laugh. I get guys from the Middle East sending me friend requests every day because of the blog I write which is hugely popular in India and Egypt with men ages 21-65. Go figure. It’s a blog about an emotionally messy middle aged mother of five (me) and her tendency to be rash, impulsive, and to get into high-jinx.

Generally speaking, men ages 21-65 aren’t really what I expected my demographic to be. Clearly there are lots and lots of male fans of pleasingly plump, emotionally messy middle aged moms out there so let’s all take a moment to recognize that we now have irrefutable proof that there is a God and he does exist and middle aged, pleasingly plump moms are like, clearly the top of his game. Has your mind just been blown? I’m still taking it in too, so don’t feel bad.

Here’s the problem though; most of the guys are total wackadoodles who believe they’ve cleverly disguised their true identities behind a super spy, deep undercover fake as hell name and bio. It’s pretty easy to pick the posers out at this point, partially because I’ve unwittingly mastered (mistressed??!) the art of sleuthing out the phonies, and partially because these guys names and bios aren’t exactly the ones they come up with at MENSA meetings. Or so I would imagine. For example, this one arrived tonight:

Now I’m not straight up saying that Francis Ford (Coppola) wouldn’t be intrigued by my awesome ability to tell a good story about falling out of trees, breastfeeding, and wiping wee bottoms, but I AM a touch skeptical that he is reading my stuff, loving it so much that he just HAS to “friend” me at 3:28am.

Just saying. It seems like a request that might excitedly slip through an over tired, under-medicated “me”s clumsy hands. But awake all night, aggravated because my left shoulder, right ribs, and two colorfully bruised legs are killing and keeping me from sleeping “me” is having non of it. Denied.

Who could have predicted that the years most sought after trend would be plump, middle aged and messy mammas? I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I think we all need to celebrate. Grab your stretchiest yoga pants, your least stained sweatshirt, a bag of donuts and a bottle of wine and head for a couch. Our time has finally come!