I’ll take all the little miracles I can get

It’s amazing how vast and deep our love grows for someone, without us even noticing the breadth, until we come close to losing them. Even if that someone is covered in fur, and leaves muddy paw prints all over the place.

Noel  has always been a little miraculous with just how many lives shes touched through pet therapy.  I’ve been reluctant to post an update on her healing until she was well and truly out of the woods and into the clear. We were worried she was just rallying for a bit because she was happy to be home with familiar smells and sounds and the people who adore her, and wanted to give it time.

Noel surprised us all, the vet included,  and has grown stronger every day, and closer to her regular measure of silliness and self appointed enthusiastic yard protector.

Yesterday we took to the rail trail for the first real (gently paced,  frequently stopping and sniffing paced) walk. It was such a delight to watch the three happy puppies (I know, I know they’re actually old ladies, but they’ll forever be puppies to me❤) hopping and skipping and sniffing and rolling around that trail.

There was no actual “walking”, just lots of ridiculous displays of joy. I abandoned any goal of reaching the mile markers, and just grinned and followed them from pile of interesting thing to pile of interesting thing.

Noel and I are hoping to be back in schools and hospitals soon, ready to snuggle when you are.

#blessed
#thankful
#therapydog
#allthelove

Stand and be counted

Stand and be counted.

I have never been more proud of my daughter than I am right now.

That is saying a lot.

She was placed in the position of adding her voice to powerful messages of hateful teachings of discrimination based on sexual orientation, gender identification, and women’s rights while leading a retreat, a “safe space”, and she refused.

She did more than just refuse, she stood up to be counted. She spoke up. She stood toe to toe. She would not back down to pressure by adults she has revered.

It was a crushing moment. People let you down in those moments. Adults let you down when they hold a place of love and honor in your life and ask you to do something that you know in your heart to be wrong. Its crushing.

She stood tall and strong and refused to stand in front of her peers and add her voice to hate. She endured pressure and anger and judgment and still stood fast and strong. She tore the teachings up and dumped them exactly where they belong, in the trash, and she voted with her feet and walked out of those doors.

To those of you who face discrimination based on your sexual orientation, your gender identification, on anything at all know this;

We stand with you. You have our voice, our love, our vote and you are not alone.

God does not judge people.

People judge people.

Love is love. Hate is hate. When you encounter hate, stand up and stand strong.

You, every single one of you, are an irrepeatable gift.

You are loved.

THAT is your birthright and I will die defending it.

loveIsLove

SpeakYourTruth

VoteYourConscience

YouAreNotAlone

StandAndBeCounted

The naked truth and sweet baby Jezzus

True story.

Affer a very, very long (albeit lovely) day of work, errands and life in general, I made my way upstairs to my bedroom to climb out of my clothes and into my jammie’s.

I stripped down to the skin God gave me, and stood for a moment to take a deep breath, when the thunderous sound of feet racing up the stairs was followed immediately by my door bursting open as I faced it wearing only surprise.

Two of my children exploded into the room.
We all screamed (for different reasons I imagine) and my daughter shoved her brother out into the hall, locked the door and fell onto my bed laughing and yelling at the banished boy.

They were arguing over who was my favorite. No lie.

They were arguing over who was my FAVORITE and they chose THAT particular moment to settle the debate.

Apparently my daughter had made grandiose claims tp her brother that I had texted to her earlier that SHE was the most favored.

Their arguing continued in my bedroom while I stood naked, completely NAKED. And stunned. And NAKED.

NAAAKEDDD.

Did I mention that I was naked? Because I was. VERY NAKED. And yet they persisted in debating at full volume, the standing each had in my heart.

The heart inside my very naked body.

This may come as a surprise to some.of you but It is very hard to maintain a sense of dignity and decorum in this household under the best of circumstances.

“GET OUT!” I yelled into the vacuum of my children’s attention.

“GET OUT AND LET ME GET DRESSED! ALONE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, GET OUT!”

My daughter scrambled off the bed and out the door, slamming it behind her while the two of them continued to argue about who I loved best.

Finally my son called loudly through the chaos

“JUST TELL US WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE!”

That was it. I snapped.

“SWEET BABY JEEZUZ! GO AWAY!”

I heard my son say quietly to my daughter as they retreated:

“See? I TOLD you it wasn’t you. It’s Jeezuz.”

And now for a drink. A strong one. But first, CLOTHES.

Utterly unprepared and okayish with it

I’m at peace. Ish. At peace-ish. Despite not being remotely prepared for this holiday, I let go of the remnants of control I held onto and gave in. I surrendered and curled up in my bed, sleeping and healing for the past week.

That was both a solid and responsible decision health wise, and an incredibly foolish one the week before the holidays.

My doctor and family are equally surprised by my unprecedented show of good judgment, and my UPS driver is worried I’m seeing someone else.

I had a low moment texting with a friend, and complained that I still needed to start my holiday shopping. My friend who does not celebrate really much of anything sent back “Holiday shopping? What’s that?” So I explained:

“Holiday shopping is when you make a list of all of the people in your life that you want to disappoint, and you take that list to stores crowded with people carrying lists of people that THEY want to disappoint, and you elbow your way through them as you shove the one remaining cart with the stuck wheel through aisles of useless or too expensive stuff.

You cry off and on and eat loose purse candy to keep your blood sugar from plummeting you into mindless violent outbursts. You load your faulty wheeled cart full of items you are certain wont fit/last/be compatible/be to their taste and try very hard not to throw things in the direction of the speaker nearest you, the one playing the chipmunks Christmas song, the song that curdles your blood.

You peel every layer of clothing off while still maintaining a level of decency and decorum worthy of family venues because it’s a thousand degrees in the store. That’s to be expected. You are, in fact, in Hell. Hell is hot. You should have recalled this and dressed appropriately.

Once your cart is too heavy to shove, you turn it around and drag it tracktor style towards a checkout. Once piled on the conveyor belt you proceed to extract the kidney you think is least likely to survive your kids college years, and then auction it off to cover the tab at the register.

If the kidney is a no go, be prepared to trade your car in. Most cashiers are college kids too and have low enough standards in transportation options that they’ll probably be foolish enough to take your steel and plastic bumper car as payment for your stuff. Let them.

If you shop the same day I shop just know it will be combination snow/raining making it almost impossible to shove-drag your cart to your car all the way at the back of the lot. It’s always a combination snow/raining when I shop. Even in July. Dont ask. It just is

When you finally get it all home and into your kitchen where you absolutely WILL give up and drop the stuff, grab the big soup bowl from the cupboard and fill that baby to the top with your cooking wine. Sit right down on the floor and empty that soup bowl with the last of your loose purse candy. That’s your dinner. The family can feed itself.

And that, my friend, is holiday shopping.

Wrapping? Now that’s a blog into itself.

#closertocrazy
#NotQuiteReady
#ILoveTheHolidays

Well if you don’t know me by now…lemme show you, but first pour a glass of bourbon, take a nice deep breath and bend over. I’m gonna use the whole hand. (*a working title)

That’s a a long title. Even for me. But honestly, if you’ve read my stuff before you can tell the kid next to you to buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Or tuck and roll if you dont. Your choice. It’s been a bumpy ride and I feel like really letting it out on the corners and I’m not gonna hit the breaks. Not today Satan.

I’ve been at war with my insurance company for months. It seems the treatment and the procedure I have every several months when I cant take the pain levels, the ones that have been used for over twenty years, this they now categorize as “experimental”, denied three appeals, and suggested my SPINE SPECIALIST (who absolutely will NOT) perform a delightful treatment wherein nerves at the base of my spine (but dont worry, only SOME nerves) are BURNED. Yeah, you read that right. And no, there is no great success rate, and no I’m not batcap crazy OR going to allow it.

A fourth physician’s appeal prevailed this morning, so everyone take a nice deep breath and a solid four fingers of Old Grandads along with me.

It’s a new policy and I’ve used language with people at the other end of my phone you’d blush hearing. To be fair, you don’t need to have stood next to me to have been privy. You could have been several states over by the second month and fiftieth phone argument and been gasping and clutching your pearl’s. Better? Good, we’re not stopping here so pee quickly and use the hand sanitizer.

I have fibromyalgia. Had it for years. During flareups I get swelling around the nerve bundles at the base of my spine. It’s…uncomfortable, to be ladylike, and makes my legs wonky and my feet idiotic.

I’ve seen all the best Boston has to offer over the years, and we have all agreed that if it can’t kill me, I can work with it. And I work the ever living hell out of it.

As my father says, “If everyone threw their problems into the middle of the room to get rid of them, they’d grab their own back and be thankful once they saw what else was out there “.

He’s right, and I am. Thankful.

Now while I’m full of gratitude and all, if any one of you tell me to try a supplement, or special diet, or fancy dance that will cure me because you know a guy who’s friend had a plumber who’s wife had a client who’s kid was part of a study that studied people who aren’t doctors or scientists and they once held a symposium on “fibromyalgia” and it magically went away, l swear on all that’s holy and righteous in this world I’ll kick you in the damn teeth and wear the ones that fall out on a necklace.

Today my favorite doctor’s office manager called his favorite patient. That’s me, I’m his favorite. See prior blogs and say hello to the others there wondering how in hell their search engine interpreted their request for free kittens for Christmas as #closertocrazy. Slap on a name tag, there are a lot of you.

Today I got the call to come in for the procedure (the one that works, not the one they used during the inquisition) and once again I was led to a room and left unsupervised.

You read that right. I’m alone in his office, waiting to be taken in and shot in the ass (well, between my dimples of venus…) multiple times. Alone in an office just full of fun things and not a person to slap my hand away and remind me I am someone’s mother. And it’s taking a while.

This doctor will never learn….

#HowManyPicturesCanITake
#ShootMePlease
#IKissMyMotherWithThisMouth

How far wings and wishes take me

My favorite girl and I were both in need of a reset. It’s been a challenging several months for both of our bodies and both of our spirits needed a holiday refresh.

I’m blessed to have good friends who encouraged us to be impulsive and to come away and be wrapped up in the cheer of the seasonal beauty, all the sights, and the warmth of excellent company and conversation.

We boarded a bus out of Worcester and slept our way to the big apple, carrying only what we needed in backpacks (a wildly impressive fete for anyone who knows either of us), and wandered around Rockefeller Center, Saint Patrick’s cathedral, and Times Square, crashing at an old friends apartment just walking distance from it all.

We dined on pizza and thick slices of cheesecake, and burgers so huge and delicious I still picture it when I close my eyes. Not a single meal was sensible, restrained, or regretted.

We noshed and talked with old friends, took pictures, window shopped, and joined unexpectedly in a street performance on our way to the metro. “We need a mom for this” a guy yelled as he walked over and grabbed my arm, pulling me into the circle. So yeah, great, I’m the obvious mom in the crowd now, but I got to be part of the show so kiss my mom butt.

Tomorrow my favorite girl and I are meeting up with more dear friends for lunch, visiting the Cathedral of St John the Divine, and seeing “Chicago” at the incredible invitation of these amazing people I’m blessed to call part of my tribe.

Saturday morning we’ll hop a bus and sleep our way home and carry these memories for a lifetime.

I’m trying to stop waiting for the “right time”, “the best time”, or even good weather to do new things, to go new places, to be braver than I have been in the past.

It’s time to spread my wings, even if they feel weary and worn. Especially when they feel weary and worn. It’s time to just jump and see how far these wings and my wishes will take me.

All day

Im not doing a single practical thing this weekend. Im staying right here in bed with my dogs, sleeping and snuggling.

I haven’t started Christmas shopping yet. My house is a mess. There are dishes in the sink, piles of laundry to be washed, decorations to be put up, and a gym down the street that has my face on a milk carton at the front desk in the hope that someone has seen me.

There are more pillows in this bed than occupants. The blankets (and there are many) are haphazardly and diagonally thrown on. Yesterday’s clothes are piled on the dresser where I hastily discarded them yesterday morning after work.

Im staying right here in bed with my dogs, sleeping and snuggling. Everything else can wait another day and the rest of the world will spin just fine on its own.