Uncomfortable


Look who’s got some skin in the game now…my last run over 3.5 was well over a year ago and this past year made getting back to fighting shape something I just kept pushing off onto “future me”. Future me seemed like the just the woman to tackle what felt like an overwhelming task, whereas present me seemed better equipped to indulge in long, lazy days, rich foods and zero workouts apart from leisurely hikes with my dogs.

Present me got very comfortable and future me stuck her head around the door and whispered “You are far too comfortable.  It’s time to get uncomfortable again.  It’s time to set a goal challenging enough to make you sweat,  and make it public enough that you have to see it through.  While we’re at it,  let’s do it for a cause that’s bigger than your foolish worries, put some money on it, and carve this motherfucker in stone.”

So here I am. Present me started the day comfortable and curled up with my dogs, and future me kicked me in my ass and registered for a half marathon in October.  A slushy, slow ass 3.5 miles later, staring at my confirmation email I’m definitely uncomfortable. Shaking my head at myself,  anxious, uncomfortable, and grateful to be pushed.

#halfmarathontraining
#skininthegame
#getuncomfortable
#pushyourself

What the card tells you

I’ve worked through two covid outbreaks and been on the front lines like so many other essential workers. We’re the ones stripping naked next to our cars so we don’t expose our families to more than we already are forced to, due to the nature of our work.

We’re the ones taking baths in hand sanitizer and leaving our work shoes in plastic bags in our trunks. We’re the ones working straight through the holidays and breaks and taking power naps in chairs in our break rooms and cafeterias, six feet apart.

I’ll be the guinea pig for others because its my hope that this reduces the risk of exposure to my family since I pose the biggest one. I’d rather have waited to see how the vaccine pans out over time but sometimes you gotta just do it for others.

Ive seen some posts about the frustration of having to wait for the 3rd or 4th round and I hear you. This entire situation is so far from ideal. People are worried and stressed and anxious to be inoculated against this.

Maybe keep hold of the thought that the ones receiving the 1st and 2nd round are also the ones who have been on the front lines without a break. Did you know that health care workers aren’t allowed to quarantine when they’ve been directly exposed?

We’re compelled to work if we’re asymptomatic while we wait for the results of yet another exposure induced test because if we stayed home every time we were directly exposed there would be no one to care for the sick. Thats our job.

We’re the ones who are required to work through holidays and snow storms and power outages whether we’ve slept or not. We stay until the roads have been cleared and the next shift has been able to shovel out and get to us to maintain safe patient staff ratios. We can’t abandon our patients. Its the law. Sometimes that’s a very long wait and we still have to dig out our cars to go home.

We’re the ones stripping down and bagging our work clothes before we go home. We keep our work shoes in the trunk next to our overnight bag and shovel incase we have to stay through another shift because of a storm. Without hazard pay or bonuses or increases in our differentials.

It’s hard to wait and you shouldn’t have to. Im grateful. Im fortunate. Im also worried about everything I face and force my family to face so I’m thankful that I was able to be in the 1st round. Hopefully it works.

If it doesn’t, I did let the kids know I love them and where my porn stash is so they could clear everything out before my parents get there.

Grad school diaries

Dear Diary,

it’s been a hell of a steep learning curve for me this past week 1 of grad school and I’m only half way through it.

I went to college back before the internet launched and used my mom’s old black metal typewriter for assignments.

The hardest parts were keeping the keys from tangling, getting the inky ribbon in correctly, and trying to realign the page after whiting out a mistake so that the text was at the same level.

Forget this new moras of open tabs, the rabbit holes you fall down into when you click on links within links within links within links only to try to work your way back to the spot you need to be on.

I keep panicking looking at the damn clock in the corner of the screen that keeps counting down until my assignment is due , breathing through the terror, and plowing on.

Can we talk about all the absolutely cringe worthy video presentations I’ve already subjected my peers and professors to?!?

Lord help me….no, seriously, God I know you’re watching and laughing at me so I feel the least you could do is throw me a bone and make this process less anxious.

Sincerely,

Ellie💋

#gradschooldiaries

#dazedandconfused

#hotmess

More than a number

More than a number

I was doing so well. I made a solid plan and dutifully weighed in, logged meals,, exercised. I headed into thanksgiving feeling strong and resolved.

I guess I could spend time feeling frustrated about the number on my scale creeping back up after the last few weeks successes. I guess I could feel depressed about not staying back on track and sticking to the schedule the way I had it laid out for myself. I could feel bad about sleeping longer over the weekend and I could regret the pie and cookies I noshed on. I could slip down that slope and feel that shame and reluctance stepping back on the scale and feeling like “here I am again back at square one. Again.”

I could.

I won’t.

I’ve learned to love myself, to nurture myself, to celebrate small things, to cheer myself on, and no number will take that hard won victory away no matter what it says.

Instead of beating myself up, I showered and dressed and treated myself to having my nails done a pretty shade of sweet pink.

Pink #139. That’s my number today. I logged my meals, I made good choices, and every though I couldn’t squeeze a walk in after cleaning out the coop (its own little workout), I rewarded myself for being resilient and I cheered myself on.

And that pink? It looks gorgeous against a cookie.

#selfcare

#motivateyourself

#treatyourself

#selflove

#pretttinpink

Uncomfortably alive

It is said that if you’re not a little uncomfortable, you’re not really living. Well today I pushed myself to be a little uncomfortable, and way outside my comfort zone and I couldn’t be more gratified. I went FLYING today in a teeny tiny 2 seater baby plane that was SO little it needed a note from its momma saying it was ok to come play.

In a weird way it was so easy to let go and not be scared because I kept thinking “well at this height there’s no chance of survival so why stress? If the plane goes down, that’s it. I may as well smile all the way instead of scream.”

And I did.

And it was…AMAZING.

#firsttimeflying

#tinyplane

#foliageflight

#whereisthemommaplane

#ifyourenotuncomfortableyourenotliving

Treating myself

I did something for myself that I’ve wanted to try for AGES. I saved a little here and there and every time I felt tempted to buy yet another plumping lipgloss (I have a drawer full) to make my full mouth a bit juicier, I stuffed that money into an envelope.


Im not perfect, no one is. My body and I have had a tumultuous relationship over the years and I have worked hard to love and to embrace myself since I am so fortunate to have a body that WORKS even when it hurts.


Im also a staunch supporter of the “treat yourself” movement in my ongoing quest to master excellent selfcare. So I DID. Treat myself. So much thanks to my incredibe and wonderfully talented friend, Kristina @hellobeautifulmedspa for the plump new pout! She has been my fountain of youth for years now and continues to ease me into my golden years (I routinely send her gifs of cranky old ladies with my desperate cries for help).


Today she smoothed me over and eased my TMJ pain with jeaveau, then juiced up my soup coolers with restylane. I know there are plenty of people who will have an opinion about my chosing to go this route but I’m not in favor of body shaming others whether they proudly embrace what they were born with as they age, or they choose to kiss science full on the mouth. Im not going to grow old gracefully. I don’t do ANYTHING gracefully. Thank heaven for sock drawer stashes and good friends.

#treatyourself

#pampering

#selfcare

#notgrowingoldgracefully

#noshameinmygame

Be bad

Be bad.

Banned, prohibited, outlawed, unthinkable, unmentionable, forbidden, restricted, taboo…🤫

An analysis from the American Library Association revealed that while some school libraries have bannes books because characters use witchcraft, profanity, sexual content, or because of uncomfortable themes like racism, a great deal of the most frequently challenged books of the last decade center around LGBTQ characters and themes.

Top 100 Most Banned and Challenged Books of the Past DecadeThe American Library Association’s Office for Intellectual Freedom (OIF) has been documenting attempts to ban books in libraries and schools since 1990. OIF compiled this list of the most banned and challenged books from 2010-2019 by reviewing both the public and confidential censorship reports it received.

This list draws attention to literary censorship but only provides a snapshot of book challenges. About 82-97% of challenges remain unreported

In honor of “Banned Books Week” I encourage and challenge you to grab a banned book from this list and READ. Be seditious! 😈

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
Captain Underpants (series) by Dav Pilkey
Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
Looking for Alaska by John Green
George by Alex Gino
And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell
Drama by Raina Telgemeier
Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James
Internet Girls (series) by Lauren Myracle
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
I Am Jazz by Jazz Jennings and Jessica Herthel
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Bone (series) by Jeff Smith
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Two Boys Kissing by David Levithan
A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo by Jill Twiss
Sex is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg
Alice McKinley (series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Harris
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult
Scary Stories (series) by Alvin Schwartz
Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out by Susan Kuklin
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel
It’s a Book by Lane Smith
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien
What My Mother Doesn’t Know by Sonya Sones
A Child Called “It” by Dave Pelzer
Bad Kitty (series) by Nick Bruel
Crank by Ellen Hopkins
Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich
Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi
The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby by Dav Pilkey
This Day in June by Gayle E. Pitman
This One Summer by Mariko Tamaki
A Bad Boy Can Be Good For A Girl by Tanya Lee Stone
Beloved by Toni Morrison
Goosebumps (series) by R.L. Stine
In Our Mothers’ House by Patricia Polacco
Lush by Natasha Friend
The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
The Holy Bible
This Book is Gay by Juno Dawson
Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer
Gossip Girl (series) by Cecily von Ziegesar
House of Night (series) by P.C. Cast
My Mom’s Having A Baby by Dori Hillestad Butler
Neonomicon by Alan Moore
The Dirty Cowboy by Amy Timberlake
The Giver by Lois Lowry
Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya
Draw Me a Star by Eric Carle
Dreaming In Cuban by Cristina Garcia
Fade by Lisa McMann
The Family Book by Todd Parr
Feed by M.T. Anderson
Go the Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach
Habibi by Craig Thompson
House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende
Jacob’s New Dress by Sarah Hoffman
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
Monster by Walter Dean Myers
Nasreen’s Secret School by Jeanette Winter
Saga by Brian K. Vaughan
Stuck in the Middle by Ariel Schrag
The Kingdom of Little Wounds by Susann Cokal
1984 by George Orwell
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
Almost Perfect by Brian Katcher
Awakening by Kate Chopin
Burned by Ellen Hopkins
Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card
Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
Glass by Ellen Hopkins
Heather Has Two Mommies by Lesle´a Newman
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Madeline and the Gypsies by Ludwig Bemelmans
My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis
Prince and Knight by Daniel Haack
Revolutionary Voices: A Multicultural Queer Youth Anthology by Amy Sonnie
Skippyjon Jones (series) by Judith Schachner
So Far from the Bamboo Grove by Yoko Kawashima Watkins
The Color of Earth (series) by Tong-hwa Kim
The Librarian of Basra by Jeanette Winter
The Walking Dead (series) by Robert Kirkman
Tricks by Ellen Hopkins
Uncle Bobby’s Wedding by Sarah S Brannen
Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks

#bannedbooks

#BannedBooksWeek

#bannedbooksweek2020

#read

#getuncomfortable

#openyourmind

Selfcare 101 and long, lovely lashes

I am so grateful for the moments I can steal away to pamper myself with a little self care. I’m famous for slipping away to the beach for a few hours before work. I treat myself to beautiful lashes that soften my tired eyes through long shifts at night. I take glorious naps. I mean, I take truly magnificent naps. Breathtaking and impressive ones. The kind of naps you dream about when you’re not actually napping.

Sometimes I just stand in my yard in a swimsuit, watering my garden and staring at my chickens and ducks and turkeys because they make me smile and the sun feels wonderful on my skin.

I’m pushy when it comes to making sure those around me take time to take care too. Ask any coworker and they’ll tell you I’m relentless. If you work with me,  you’re going to take your whole damn break no matter how busy it is. I’ll strong arm you off the unit if I have to. Stepping away from anything for a breather is like the oxygen mask on an airplane. Its essential to your well-being. Breathe deeply, babe, we’ve all got a ways to go yet. Take that break.

You’re also going to schedule the appointments you’ve been putting off, start planning that trip, start that pinterest board of diy project ideas you’ve been eagerly telling me about, and your going to laugh as much as possible because I won’t stop until you do and you’re going to put yourself on your calendar because it’s easier to appease me than to endure my hounding and nagging you to engage in selfcare.

Life has never been crazier than it has been for all of us everywhere all over the world right now. It’s important to feed yourself,  to water your spirit,  to nurture your soul. Whatever you do that makes you feel refreshed, do it. Put yourself on your calendar each week.

Protect that appointment with yourself like you would your own child’s.  Take a walk, take a drive, take a nap.  Read a book, play your favorite music, putter. Be mindful,  be mindless. Take a break. Whatever you do,  take care. You only get one you. Oh, and wear a damn mask. I’m relentless about that too.

Bossy

I’m “bossy, emotional, outspoken”. I “raise my voice”, I’m “scattered, just a mom”,and I cry. I’m “pushy” because I stand up for myself and for others.

I don’t care.

I dont need validation or approval.

Im confident, informed, creative, focused on my goals, a leader, a listener a hard worker, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and yes, a mom. I lift others up. I accept help when I need it because that is also a sign of strength and wisdom. To give help and to seek help when needed.

“Well behaved women seldom make history”

Make history.

womensupportingwomen

banbossy

strongwomen

misbehave

A royal flush

A royal flush

Today’s doctor’s visit ended with orders for a mammogram to get my boobs squashed, orders to see my Rheumatologist to get poked and a glow in the dark MRI, orders to see my spine guy to get shot in the back four times, and lastly an order for a colonoscopy to round out the hand. Im calling this my royal flush. Get it? Because it ends with a camera up my butt.

buttofthejoke

growingoldgracefully

mysexylife